I solved my issues with the bank today. Apparently my missing debit cards have been sent to my old address. My bank statements, my credit card statements and my new credit card have all come to this address. The girl who helped me had no idea how this could have happened, but it did.
And they had no signature on file for me, which she told me shouldn't have been possible. They should have had something there on the computer, some scribble from my parents or an X from me. I distinctly remember doing something like that after the old State Bank got closed in Portland, but they didn't know about it. I tried to make a joke about how shit like this happens to me all the time, but she didn't seem so amused. She was more interested in my credit card debt. Like I wanna hear about that.